WARNING: Proceed with great caution! High content of humor, often with provocative and/or sexual undertones. Read with adult supervision or an open mind!
As previously stated, I've been reallyreallyreallyfuckingbusy this weekend. I went with my choir to "Fyn" and "Jylland" on a mini tour. It rocks, that I can drive from one end of my country to the other in a single day. Go Denmark!
As previously stated, I've been reallyreallyreallyfuckingbusy this weekend. I went with my choir to "Fyn" and "Jylland" on a mini tour. It rocks, that I can drive from one end of my country to the other in a single day. Go Denmark!
On the tour, I had a lot of laughs. And so, I'm in an excruciatingly good mood today! I'm basically chuckling every third second or so, and if anyone tells me a joke right now, I swear, I will piss myself.
Enough said, I think. Too much information divulged. Will proceed to the task at hand. Or whatever. Platapus? Right.
Here are some things that make me laugh, no matter what mood I'm in. I'm sorry for the high concentration of Danish. I guess Danish humor just appeals to me. Haha.
M A R E N U T H A U G ' S C O M I C S
Maren Uthaug is a HI-fucking-LARIOUS blogger and writer for various newspapers and the like. One of her newest ideas involve drawing her day-to-day disasters with incredible humor. Laughed my pants off at this particular issue.
Det startede jo uskyldigt med de bestikkelser....
Som snart blev til:
Det var endda stadig tåleligt, da vi rundede et lidt skarpt hjørne:
Men snart var vi ude i:
Som nu er endt ud i scenarier som dette:
P O O P M O D E L S
Aaah, Poop Models. Let me explain:
I break out in hysterical fits of laughter, whenever I see a model, that looks like he/she is about to poop in his/her pants. I mean... come on! It's ludicrous! And then there are the models that just creep me out.
Displayed below are the poor victims of my sarcasm. They are both models for COS. The clothes look fabulous, I must admit that. There's absolutely nothing wrong with the design. It's probably just me that notices these things. But really.
First of all, there's the dude. The outfits are great, really cute in fact. The guy is even fairly cute........... considering how much it looks like he's about to give birth to Justin Bieber. It SERIOUSLY looks like he needs to take a dump! Sorry!
First of all, there's the dude. The outfits are great, really cute in fact. The guy is even fairly cute........... considering how much it looks like he's about to give birth to Justin Bieber. It SERIOUSLY looks like he needs to take a dump! Sorry!
The girl is just plain scary. Look at that cruel, cruel smile. Doesn't that remind you of the White Witch from "Narnia", or something? Besides, her expression doesn't change AT ALL in any of the photos! And, I swear this is true: when I scrolled my cursor over her, she MOVED! I'm not kidding! She litterally moved. How creepy is that? Well, they had installed a GIF for the photo on COS' website, but still... I though my computer was possesed or something!
R E B E C C A B L A C K
Hahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahaahahahahahahaha!
This is seriously the absolute worst song I have ever heard, in my entire life! And believe me, I have heard some absolutely HORRIBLE songs. Oh my God. She sounds like a gerbil! She sounds like Justin Bieber, who's been kicked in the groin! She sounds like she swallowed cyanide that is destroying her lungs at rapid speed!
This is seriously the absolute worst song I have ever heard, in my entire life! And believe me, I have heard some absolutely HORRIBLE songs. Oh my God. She sounds like a gerbil! She sounds like Justin Bieber, who's been kicked in the groin! She sounds like she swallowed cyanide that is destroying her lungs at rapid speed!
"Yesterday was thursday, today is friday."
Figured that out all by yourself, did you?
B R I D G E T J O N E S ' D I A R Y
I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really love Bridget Jones. In any format. The movie, the book, pictures from the movie, quotes from the movie, conversations about the movie, thinking about the movie, thinking about watching the movie, thinking about thinking about the movie..... I love it. Bridget Jones always cracks me up.
Am enjoying a relationship with two men simoultaneously. The first is called Ben, the other, Jerry.
Bridget Jones
There was a young woman from Ealing,
Who had a peculiar feeling.
She lay on her back, and opened her crack,
And pissed all over the ceiling.
Daniel Cleaver
P A B L O , R A Y , A N D C R U I S E
R A N D O M S T U F F I F I N D O N T H E I N T E R N E T
I don't think I can give you any further introduction on this one. I find some pretty weird..... stuff.... on the internet. I can't even remember where I found most of this. It just cracks me up.
U S A ' S S J O V E S T E L O V E :
Alabama:
1. Det er ulovligt at køre bil med bind for øjnene.
Atlanta:
2. Det er forbudt at tøjre en giraf til en telefonpæl eller en lygtepæl.
Baltimore:
3. Det er ulovligt at tage en løve med i biografen.
Connecticut:
4. Du kan blive stoppet af politiet for at cykle med mere end 90 km/t.
5. Det er forbudt at gå på hænder over gaden.
Florida:
6. Kvinder kan få en bøde for at falde i søvn under en hårtørrer og det samme kan ejeren af frisørsalonen.
7. Hvis en elefant efterlades på en parkeringsplads med et parkometer, så skal der betales for den på samme måde, som hvis det var en bil.
8. Det er ulovligt at synge på en offentlig plads, når man er iklædt en badedragt.
Illinois:
9. Det er forbudt for enhver at give tændte cigarer til hunde, katte og andre dyr, der holdes som kæledyr.
Indiana:
10. Det er ikke tilladt for borgere at overvære en film, et teaterstykke eller køre i en bus indenfor fire timer efter at de har spist hvidløg.
Louisiana:
11. Det er ulovligt at røve en bank og derefter skyde kasseren i banken med en vandpistol.
12. At bide nogen med sine egne tænder er simpel vold, mens det at gøre det med kunstige tænder er grov vold.
Massachusetts:
13. Sørgende der våger over en døende må ikke spise mere end tre sandwicher.
14. Det er forbudt at snorke medmindre alle soveværelsesvinduer er lukkede og forsvarligt låst.
15. Et gammelt dekret gør det ulovligt at bære fipskæg, medmindre man først betaler en særlig licens for at bære det offentligt.
Nebraska:
16. En forældre kan arresteres, hvis et barn ikke holder bøvs tilbage under en gudstjeneste.
New Mexico:
17. Det er strengt forbudt for kvinder at vise sig ofentligt uden at være barberet.
New York:
18. Der kan udskrives en bøde for at flirte. Denne gamle lov forbyder specifikt mænd at vende sig om på gaden og "se på kvinder på den måde". Anden gang man gribes i denne forseelse, så tvinges manden til at bære et par skyklapper, når han færdes på gaden.
North Dakota:
19 Det er forbudt at servere øl og saltkringler på samme tid i såvel barer som restauranter.
Oklahoma:
20. Folk kan få bøder, arresteres eller sættes i fængsel for at skære ansigter over for en hund.
Pennsylvania:
21. Ingen mand kan købe alkohol uden en skriftlig tilladelse fra sin kone.
Fairbanks, Alaska:
22. Elge må ikke have sex på gaderne.
Alaska:
23. Børn må ikke bygge snemænd, der er højere end dem selv, i skolerne.
Ventura, Californien:
24. Katte og hunde må ikke parre sig uden en tilladelse.
Toronto, Canada:
25. Det er ulovligt at trække døde heste igennem gaderne før klokken 12 om formiddagen.
Delaware:
26. Det er ulovligt for en nygift mand at tage på fisketur under sin bryllupsrejse.
Joliet, Illinois:
27. Kvinder kan arresteres for at prøve mere end seks kjoler i én forretning.
Maryland:
28. Det er forbudt for en kvinde at undersøge lommerne i sin mands bukser, mens han sover.
Texas:
29. Forbrydere er pålagt at give deres ofre 24 timers varsel om hvilken form for forbrydelse de skal udsættes for.
New Mexico
30. det er lovligt for et par at have sex i bilen i frokostpausen, hvis altså
bilen er udstyret med gardiner, så alle ikke kan kigge ind.
1. Det er ulovligt at køre bil med bind for øjnene.
Atlanta:
2. Det er forbudt at tøjre en giraf til en telefonpæl eller en lygtepæl.
Baltimore:
3. Det er ulovligt at tage en løve med i biografen.
Connecticut:
4. Du kan blive stoppet af politiet for at cykle med mere end 90 km/t.
5. Det er forbudt at gå på hænder over gaden.
Florida:
6. Kvinder kan få en bøde for at falde i søvn under en hårtørrer og det samme kan ejeren af frisørsalonen.
7. Hvis en elefant efterlades på en parkeringsplads med et parkometer, så skal der betales for den på samme måde, som hvis det var en bil.
8. Det er ulovligt at synge på en offentlig plads, når man er iklædt en badedragt.
Illinois:
9. Det er forbudt for enhver at give tændte cigarer til hunde, katte og andre dyr, der holdes som kæledyr.
Indiana:
10. Det er ikke tilladt for borgere at overvære en film, et teaterstykke eller køre i en bus indenfor fire timer efter at de har spist hvidløg.
Louisiana:
11. Det er ulovligt at røve en bank og derefter skyde kasseren i banken med en vandpistol.
12. At bide nogen med sine egne tænder er simpel vold, mens det at gøre det med kunstige tænder er grov vold.
Massachusetts:
13. Sørgende der våger over en døende må ikke spise mere end tre sandwicher.
14. Det er forbudt at snorke medmindre alle soveværelsesvinduer er lukkede og forsvarligt låst.
15. Et gammelt dekret gør det ulovligt at bære fipskæg, medmindre man først betaler en særlig licens for at bære det offentligt.
Nebraska:
16. En forældre kan arresteres, hvis et barn ikke holder bøvs tilbage under en gudstjeneste.
New Mexico:
17. Det er strengt forbudt for kvinder at vise sig ofentligt uden at være barberet.
New York:
18. Der kan udskrives en bøde for at flirte. Denne gamle lov forbyder specifikt mænd at vende sig om på gaden og "se på kvinder på den måde". Anden gang man gribes i denne forseelse, så tvinges manden til at bære et par skyklapper, når han færdes på gaden.
North Dakota:
19 Det er forbudt at servere øl og saltkringler på samme tid i såvel barer som restauranter.
Oklahoma:
20. Folk kan få bøder, arresteres eller sættes i fængsel for at skære ansigter over for en hund.
Pennsylvania:
21. Ingen mand kan købe alkohol uden en skriftlig tilladelse fra sin kone.
Fairbanks, Alaska:
22. Elge må ikke have sex på gaderne.
Alaska:
23. Børn må ikke bygge snemænd, der er højere end dem selv, i skolerne.
Ventura, Californien:
24. Katte og hunde må ikke parre sig uden en tilladelse.
Toronto, Canada:
25. Det er ulovligt at trække døde heste igennem gaderne før klokken 12 om formiddagen.
Delaware:
26. Det er ulovligt for en nygift mand at tage på fisketur under sin bryllupsrejse.
Joliet, Illinois:
27. Kvinder kan arresteres for at prøve mere end seks kjoler i én forretning.
Maryland:
28. Det er forbudt for en kvinde at undersøge lommerne i sin mands bukser, mens han sover.
Texas:
29. Forbrydere er pålagt at give deres ofre 24 timers varsel om hvilken form for forbrydelse de skal udsættes for.
New Mexico
30. det er lovligt for et par at have sex i bilen i frokostpausen, hvis altså
bilen er udstyret med gardiner, så alle ikke kan kigge ind.
F M Y L I F E : T H E I N T I M A C Y C A T E G O R Y
Okay, now this is a little personal. If you can't take a bit of offensive, perverted humor, scrooooooll on down. But if you can..... this will rock your socks off.
Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend of over a year that a woman has three holes down there. He thought women peed out of their butthole, and that's why they have to sit down. FML
Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Suddenly, he grabbed my 'lower' lips and moved them in a talking motion, proclaiming that "the talking vagina declares war and wants to conquer the great penis." FML
Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to cut his pubes onto my very important work binder. I was not aware of this and when I gave the binder to my boss to look over some work I put together, all of the hair fell out onto my boss's lap. FML
Today, my husband and I were cuddling on the couch watching TV. I was enjoying myself and feeling pleased with how sweet he was being, when out of nowhere he flipped me over, grabbed my breasts and yelled "ME CONQUER WOMAN!" FML
Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, I tried to last longer by thinking of fat, hairy, man nipples. I came faster. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on when her cat attacked me. I was pissed, so I grabbed the cat and rushed outside to get rid of it. Little did I know, her parents were home, sitting outside. So I was naked, with a feral cat in front of my junk trying to kill me. All I could say was "Nice Weather?" FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job, which was great, until she started saying "milk the penis... miiiiilk the penis." FML
Today, I was masturbating on the phone with my girlfriend when my cat noticed my hand movement. He jumped at the chance of possibly being petted, literally. With claws and teeth. FML
Today, my girlfriend found my secret panty stash. Now she thinks I'm cheating on her with another girl, but I'm not. They're mine. FML
Okay, I think I'm done for the day. I don't think I have anything more to show you. I can basically see the level of intelligence in this post sinking from just below an IQ of about 30, to one closing in on about 5. So folks, have a good night or day or whatever! Hope you had a good laugh.
Thanks for listening,
I Am Roseberry
No comments:
Post a Comment